Fear

Have you ever lived in fear? Fear of saying the wrong thing? fear of doing the wrong thing? Fearing for your life? Fear is something I have lived with for the last 10 years, for over a decade now my life has been STUCK!

Around year 7 out of the 10 I was given an escape route, and I for the first time since I could remember I felt free, I felt at peace. Over the next 3 years I really worked on healing myself, changing my mindset. I started my business, which took off quite quickly. I was happy! I felt in control of my life, things were good. Then suddenly my biggest fear was now going to be in my life again, I remember having a panic attack and crying uncontrollably.

What should I do?? I decided to take what I believed was control of the situation and talked myself into believing that this person could have changed, this relationship could work. If we take things back to the beginning with no pressure, we had some hope. In hindsight I realise this decision was made from fear, fear of what may happen if I did not make the decision I had made.

Very early I realised that there was no change, the lies, possessive behavior was still there. There was this level of entitlement rather than accountability which was making me feel unhappy. Now I’m in a situation where I am slowly losing control, my voice is not being heard. I can feel myself reverting to the ‘old’ me and it’s making me unhappy.

This situation went on for the next 16 months, me feeling unhappy in my own home as it’s no longer my peace my space has been invaded. It was a milestone birthday year for me, but I was unable to feel happy or excited due to my current situation and the constant threats to ruin my plans. Depression hit me, and I was just feeling so low and kept blaming myself. Early in the year I met someone who became my friend, someone who brought a little sunshine into my cloudy life. He helped me to see myself in a different light for the first time in my life!!

This person was someone who I would never have looked at as a potential before, but here I was falling….. Here comes fear again… Do I be honest about my life or do I just say nothing.

Me being me and wanting to be wanted for me and all I am I was honest. Unfortunately this was to my detriment as although he helped me in so many ways, I was also left feeling like I wasn’t worth very much. This leaves me fearing being honest with potentials I may meet in the future. Then it finally all came crashing down the day after my Birthday…

Over the next 3 months I would be assaulted, harassed and stalked daily. FEAR was here again!! Fear of walking out of my front door due to threats of violence, fear of driving down the road as he would be waiting for me on corners, fear of being embarrassed due to him calling people and acting erratic, fear of being judged by others if caught on a bad day.

I sometimes wonder how I smile most days, how I can continue working full time, being a mother, running my own business. I have a lot going on and even though I have been that person to many, not many have stepped up for me.

I have honestly been at the lowest point in my life, I fear breaking down as I am unsure if I would be able to get back up…..